I bring you news of the single most important intellectual discovery of our generation: the hard problem of human consciousness has now been solved once and for all. For a long time, the ability to select squares containing traffic lights was our best working definition of what it meant to be truly, deeply, authentically human, but this was never quite satisfactory. Now, in 2025, research philosophers have expanded that definition to include the crucial missing ingredient: an inability to use an em dash.

To celebrate the 100th anniversary of the birth of encabulation - dated from Dr. Wolfgang Albrecht Klossner’s first successful run in that historic barn on the outskirts of Eisenhüttenstadt - this article* collects in one place a number of resources that provide, if not a comprehensive history, at least a catalogue of the major milestones and concepts. The Original Turbo Encabulator For a number of years now, work has been proceeding in order to bring perfection to the crudely conceived idea of a transmission that would not only supply inverse reactive current for use in unilateral phase detractors, but would also be capable of automatically synchronizing cardinal grammeters.