A Modest Definition of Human Consciousness
I bring you news of the single most important intellectual discovery of our generation: the hard problem of human consciousness has been solved.
For a long time, the ability to select squares containing traffic lights was our best working definition of what it meant to be truly, deeply, authentically human, but this was never quite satisfactory.
Now, in 2025, research philosophers have expanded that definition to include
the crucial missing ingredient: an inability to use an em dash. Thanks to their
efforts, we now know that ignorance of basic typography is the very essence of
the human soul. Surely the ability to remember a keyboard shortcut as complex
as Alt+0151 indicates a rote, mechanical mind incompatible with the fluid
nature of true human consciousness. Even knowing that one can do a long press
on the hyphen key on your phone demonstrates a kind of spiritual emptiness, a
deep existential void at the heart of one’s being.
Personally, I’m glad this philosophical breakthrough occurred, because it turns out that several of the graphic designers and copywriters I’ve worked with for years have secretly been “clankers” this whole time! It’s amazing that you can have lunch with someone every day, even attend their wedding, and not realize they’re an AI chatbot. At first I didn’t want to believe it, but as I watched how they used em dashes to mark interruptions and set off parenthetical remarks, the evidence quickly became damning. This experience is what really drove home the crucial importance of the em dash test for me.
Ignorance of basic typography is the very essence of the human soul.
I encourage everyone to remain vigilant and actively police any online or real-life interactions you have with others. If someone uses an em dash (or even pauses in conversation in a way that suggests an em dash) you should immediately accuse them of being an AI. Such interventions are hugely beneficial to human civilization because they protect us from both AI and English majors.
Pictured above: Virginia Woolf, frequent em dash abuser and suspected AI chatbot.