A Modest Definition of Human Consciousness
I bring you news of the single most important intellectual discovery of our generation: the hard problem of human consciousness has now been solved once and for all.
For a long time, the ability to select squares containing traffic lights was our best working definition of what it meant to be truly, deeply, authentically human, but this was never quite satisfactory.
Now, in 2025, research philosophers have expanded that definition to include
the crucial missing ingredient: an inability to use an em dash. Thanks to their
efforts, we now know that ignorance of basic typography is the very essence of
the human soul, for surely the ability to remember a keyboard shortcut as
complex as Alt+0151 or Shift+Option+Hyphen indicates a rote, mechanized
mind incompatible with the fluid nature of true human consciousness. Even
knowing that one can do a long press on the hyphen key on your phone’s keyboard
demonstrates a kind of inhuman spiritual emptiness, a great void of being.
Personally, I am glad this philosophical breakthrough occurred, because it turns out that several of the graphic designers and copywriters I’ve worked with for years have secretly been “clankers” this whole time! It’s amazing that you can have lunch with someone every day, even attend their wedding, and not realize they’re an AI chatbot. This is what really drove home the crucial importance of the em dash test for me.
Ignorance of basic typography is the very essence of the human soul.
I encourage everyone to remain ever vigilant and actively police any online or real-life interactions they have with others, and to immediately accuse anyone who uses an em dash (or who even pauses in conversation in a way that suggests an em dash) of being an AI. Such interventions are hugely beneficial to human civilization as a whole as they protect us from both AI and English majors.
Pictured above: Virginia Woolf, frequent abuser of the em dash and suspected AI chatbot.